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Ruined days and meds

Journal Entry: Sun Jul 27, 2014, 12:37 AM
There's no way to sugarcoat it -- I'm tired. All the time. Even though I sleep. I'm mentally and emotionally tired. It might have something to do with my heart (after all, my condition does cause fatigue), but there's more than that. Both my cardiologist and primary care doctor say I'm overly stressed, and I agree with them, I am overly stressed, but it has less to do with external stressers and more to do with my own mind. I'm a naturally anxious person. I tend to "catastrophize" -- assume the worst in ambiguous situations. And I dwell. Oh, do I dwell. This past Friday a coworker jumped my case a little. I don't think she meant to. In retrospect, she was probably just trying to be matter-of-fact about something she thought I'd overlooked. But it came across as insensitive, and of course I'm a hypersensitive person so I felt affronted. And it ruined my entire day. Even long after it happened, when my coworker was her usual nice, funny self, I felt let down. Betrayed, even. I was very close to pulling the cat out of the bag and telling her about my BPD, but I held back. I didn't know how she would take that, and I didn't want to risk anything. But I shouldn't have felt the way I felt. I shouldn't have let a mere comment ruin my entire day. I shouldn't dwell like I do. I beat myself up over things that happened weeks, months, even years ago, and that's not healthy, I know that's not healthy, but I can't seem to stop.

I was honest with my doctor. Told her about my echocardiogram, that it showed no significant change in my heart, that my cardiologist said the symptoms were likely brought on by stress, that I'm a naturally anxious person, and that I'm overwhelmed so, so easily. She prescribed Zoloft (a lower dose, to start me off) and honestly, I'm glad she did. I know I said meds would be a last resort, but I need something. The anxiety's too much. It's giving me all sorts of pain. A few days ago I experienced a horrible pain that extended from the back of my head, down the back of my neck, into my throat, all because I got worked up over something. I still somewhat feel it, in the back of my throat. It's dull but it's there. My doctor asked if I needed counseling. I probably do but I don't think I could manage it. For one thing, I don't think I could afford it, and for another, I don't think I could fit it into my schedule. So I'll just have to rely on Zoloft, and writing, and perhaps a self-help book or two.               

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TheEmptyChest
R.M.
United States
They say the eyes are the gateways to the soul.
Look deeply into mine. Whatever you see, that is me.

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Interests

Which of the 7 deadly sins do you think is your worst? (P.S. I don't care if you're religious or not. The poll is just supposed to be for fun.) 

20%
9 deviants said Sloth
18%
8 deviants said Lust
13%
6 deviants said Pride
13%
6 deviants said Gluttony
13%
6 deviants said Greed
11%
5 deviants said Envy
11%
5 deviants said Wrath

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Scarlettletters Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Professional Writer
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Thank you very much for the favorite. c:
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You're very welcome! :)
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You're welcome! :aww:
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Thank you so kindly, lovely! :hug:
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Thank you generously for the fav on seasoned <3
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