To my watchers

59 watchers left! Just 59 more to go and I’ll be done! Eee, I’m so excited!

I want to explain why I’ve been doing this, and why I’m so determined to see it through, because I don’t think anyone truly understands. I posted a couple of journals ago that I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and one of its defining factors is inconsistency. People with BPD are very unstable. One day they’re goth, the next they’re punk. One day they’re neurotic, the next they’re laidback. One day they believe they’re basically good, the next they’re sure they’re fundamentally evil. It’s like being stuck in a rat maze, and it’s absolute hell. You never feel genuine, never quite your own person. You can say you’re going to do something and want to, truly want to, but in the back of your head you feel you can’t be trusted – because you’re not resolute, you're indecisive and impulsive – and so you live in a constant state of shadiness, of not trusting yourself, of fearing that you’ll let people down. And you hate yourself for it. Shame blankets itself around you and holds you in a dark place, and you just want to stop existing. Because not existing is better than living in shame.

This thing I’m doing – this going through my watchers and commenting on their work thing – has been a beacon of light to me. A small light, granted, but it’s made me feel like I can accomplish something. Like I can stick to something and see it through without being influenced or pushed – like I can finish something on my own, simply because I chose to finish it. It might sound like not that big a deal, and it might not be in the long run, but it gives me a sense of validation, and so it’s important to me.